I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
