...so i touched it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
