last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
