Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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