just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
