my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
