i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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