I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
