Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
