we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
