it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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