Got a toothbrush?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You ruined the universe
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
