Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
