She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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