my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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