I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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