I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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