I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
