Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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