I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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