What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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