She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
