we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
