your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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