I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
