She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
