I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
