Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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