my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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