I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
