I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
