i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
