if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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