she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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