just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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