Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Operation Purity has been aborted
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
