I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize