so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
