I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
