you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
