Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
