Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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