I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
