hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
