I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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