dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
