Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
