non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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