She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
