I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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