Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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