On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
