DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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