WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
