im drinking this country out of the recession.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
