im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
