Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
